When Behaviour Is Trying to Tell Us Something
Behaviour is often the first thing we notice - because it’s often loud and easy to notice.
A child refuses. Yells. Walks away. Hits. Shuts down. Argues. Won’t join in. Does something they definitely know they aren’t supposed to do….
And because behaviour is what we can see, it’s easy to make it the thing we focus on.But we try to look a little deeper.
Instead of only asking, “How do we stop this behaviour?” we reframe, and ask “What is this behaviour telling us?”
Behaviour is information - even if we don’t like what it’s saying sometimes.
Children don’t always have the words, awareness, or capacity to tell us what is happening inside of them. Sometimes the loud behaviour IS that communication.
A child who refuses to join an activity might be overwhelmed by the noise.
A child who becomes controlling during a game might be struggling with uncertainty.
A child who keeps interrupting might be working incredibly hard to hold onto a thought. (I know I certainly relate to this!)
A child who lashes out after a seemingly tiny problem may have been carrying a stress load all day that we didn’t notice - and that tiny problem was simply the last nervous system straw.
This doesn’t mean we assume we know why a behaviour happened. It means we get curiousbefore we get corrective.
Because “They won’t” and “they can’t right now” require very different responses
It’s easy to see a child who isn’t meeting an expectation and assume they are choosing not to. Because sometimes they are. But more often than not the skills we are asking for simply aren’t available to them in that moment.
Flexibility, impulse control, communication, emotional regulation, problem-solving and perspective-taking all become much harder to access when a nervous system is under significant stress.
So we can shift our thinking from:
“They’re refusing.” to “What is making this hard right now?”
“They know better.” to “What is getting in the way of what they know?”
“They need a consequence.” to “What do they need to be successful next time?”
That perspective shift doesn’t lower expectations. It gives us more useful information about how to help a child meet those expectations.
I want to reassure you… Understanding behaviour does NOT mean allowing unsafe behaviour. And seeing behaviour as communication doesn’t mean children can hurt people, destroy things, or ignore every boundary because they are stressed.
We can stop unsafe behaviour and remain curious about what caused it.
We can say: “I won’t let you hit”, and gently block the unsafe behaviour while also saying “Something is really hard right now. I’m here.”
Safety and understanding can exist at the same time.
Here are some common stress culprits (but there are sooo many more, and every child experiences these things differently. What causes one stress, may calm another. Tricky, I know! )
Look at what might be happening around and within the child. (Sometimes they can tell us, and sometimes they really cannot. )
Is the environment too loud?
Has there been a lot of social demand?
Are they hungry, tired, hot, cold, or uncomfortable?
Was the transition unexpected?
Is the task too difficult? or maybe not engaging enough?
Do they need movement? Space? Connection? Predictability?
Has their stress been building long before we saw the behaviour?
Sometimes we can reduce a stressor, and sometimes we can change the environment. Sometimes we can offer support, movement, space, connection, or fewer words, and sometimes we simply need to stay close, keep everyone safe, and wait until the child has enough capacity again.
And then later - often MUCH later - when things are calm, and we are ALL regulated, we can reflect together on what happened and what might help next time.
The goal isn’t perfect behaviour.
We aren't trying to create children who never struggle, get frustrated, say no, make mistakes, or have big reactions. Because that is just not how real life works.
The goal is for children to gradually understand themselves, to be able to notice what their bodies are telling them, to recognize when stress is building, and to learn what helps.
And eventually, with support and practice, to have more options available and online to them when things get hard and they are over-stressed again.
****When we stop seeing behaviour only as something to correct, we start getting curious about the child underneath it.
And the way we approach a situation can really change a WHOLE LOT about that situation, and how everyone experiences it.
